Merriam-Webster defines estrangement as “a state of alienation from a previous close or familial relationship”. In my clinical experience, estrangement from a family member or friend is not particularly unusual but rarely gets the clinical attention it deserves. It has been cited that 5-17% of family members in the U.S. have been estranged from one another*, and that figure does not include other forms of close relationship. In my clinical work, and in my personal life, I have noticed a subtle tendency to negatively judge those that have experienced estrangement in any way.

This blog will offer suggestions on how to support a friend or family member who is estranged from someone with whom they used to be close:

Understand that it takes only one party to estrange, but two to maintain a relationship.

Assume estrangement is a personal experience - even if it has repercussions for a larger family or friend group - and use your judgment to determine if you should comment at all.

Validate that the decision to estrange oneself (to be the “estranger”), or the experience of being estranged must have been difficult and likely painful.

Never assume you understand the depth of decision-making that went into estrangement, or that the one estranged fully understands or agrees with the decision.

Ask how you could be most supportive to your friend or family member on this issue.

Avoid dismissive statements challenging the estrangement like “Blood is thicker than water” , “How could you not speak to your mother? You only have one!” or “Don’t worry. This is just a phase, you’ve known eachother forever!”

Avoid making character judgments about those in estranged relationships. Unless someone estranges themselves from the majority of people in her life, the estranged relationship is usually distinct.