Psychological flexibility: What is it and how does it help us?

Like many of you, I have spent much of the last month watching Olympians contort their bodies into some pretty stunning shapes. Seeing such incredible physical limberness on display has also got me thinking about one concept in particular: “psychological flexibility.” Whereas an Olympic gymnast’s flexibility is measured by looking at how their body bends during a floor or vault event, psychological flexibility is “scored” in terms of how far we are able to “stretch” our thoughts and actions during everyday life events. 

Let’s say that during any social event you attend, your mind automatically convinces you that others are going to negatively judge you, no matter what you say or do. Unfortunately, because your mind is unwilling to “bend” towards multiple possibilities (e.g., that others may also judge you positively), it would not receive very high flexibility scores. And instead of winning you a gold medal, this rigid mindset only offers you added worry, anxiety, and apprehension.

The good news is, just like our physical flexibility can be enhanced by routinely stretching our limbs, there are a couple different “exercise” approaches we can use to improve our psychological flexibility as well. While the cognitive approach involves switching up our thinking strategies or shifting our belief systems, the behavioral approach involves switching up our actions or shifting the way we conduct ourselves in a given situation.

For example, let’s say our manager at work provides us with constructive (albeit negative) feedback. Rather than rigidly assume that this feedback means they hate us and are going to fire us, the psychologically flexible method of response would be to fully flesh out the facts and adjust our beliefs to better reflect them. Here, the facts indicate that while yes, we have indeed made an upsetting error at work, we are not being let go. Instead, our manager has actually given us the opportunity to correct our mistakes and learn from this incident. 

Having “stretched” our thoughts in this way, we can then decide what actions are best for us to take. While rigidly assuming that our job is doomed might rigidly cause us to react defensively (e.g., telling our manager “you can’t fire me, I quit”), adopting a more flexible mindset will lead us to develop a more flexible action plan. Perhaps instead of impulsively quitting or arguing back to our manager, we decide to hear their suggestions, apologize for our oversights, and heed their advice in order to prevent this error from happening again in the future.

Behavioral flexibility in this case may also involve “manually” bringing down the physical activation and tension that come with the anxiety we often feel in moments of conflict like this. For example, we could momentarily distract ourselves from this distressing situation by engaging our five senses (e.g., intensely focusing on the sounds, smells, or visual details of our surroundings). Or, we do some square breathing exercises to bring our heart rate down. We could also methodically relax the tense muscles in our body one by one. Regardless of which option we select, all of these actions listed will help reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety and ultimately allow us to manage the situation more adaptively.

Engaging flexibly with our own beliefs, bodies, and behaviors will help us more effectively tackle the challenges that we inevitably encounter in life. When we are better able to change things up and strategically adapt to the demands of the situation, we drastically increase the odds that our own “gold medal” goals will be achieved. 

If you or someone you know would like to become more psychologically flexible and adaptive, our team of CTW clinicians are here to help you get started. Reach out and speak with us today!

Wanna Be Your Own Boss? Consider This Before You Take the Leap!

Here at CTWPS, we work with many entrepreneurs and small business owners. It is often an inspired and exciting focus for clients. Owning your own business has many advantages - the capacity to define your work hours and focus, increased flexibility, less caretaking of an external organization or manager, and the potential for increased profit, to name just a few. 

The downsides can also include financial unpredictability, a sense of hyper-responsibility, anxiety around the ebb and flow of business, and the labor included in the “work around work”.

What is the work around work?

I define the “work around work” as all of the labor that goes into maintaining a business that is not necessarily the focus of or product of the business itself.  It includes everything from bookkeeping, networking, billing, marketing, hiring, managing, and firing staff, to all levels of administrative support and decision-making for the business. In my experience working with clients in small business/entrepreneurship, the work around work is the first thing that slips, as people typically prefer to focus on the main product of their business.

But when the work around work slips, it is likely to be the first thing to increase anxiety for the small business owner/entrepreneur. Why?  Because when the infrastructure that supports the business becomes wonky, it eventually manifests in an interruption of business. 

I typically recommend that clients spend at least 4 hours a week on the “work around work” to avoid disruptions in their business. Whether we work for ourselves, or an external organization, I think it’s important to acknowledge all of the aspects of labor in which we engage. Then we can make an educated risk assessment about whether we are suited to remaining an employee, or are set up for success to venture into our own business. 

We love to work with work!

  If you or someone you know is struggling in their work,

Reach out, learn more, let us help!

What Do YOU Think About It All?

One of my favorite holidays is New Year’s Day.  It’s a contemplative, peaceful  day for me, and I typically spend time reviewing the past year, and setting my intentions for the new year.  This year I’ve been thinking a lot about the quote “Other people’s thoughts are not your business”, ascribed to everyone from the Buddha to Marcus Aurelius to Lisa Nichols, Regina Brett, and Steve Harvey to name just a few!   

Regardless of the original source, there is wisdom in this concept. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, one of the reasons it holds up is because other people don’t have “all of the data” included in your life and decisions, so how can they accurately judge your situation at any given moment? And with the hundreds of people we encounter in the world each year, there are just too many people we encounter to give each of them that kind of influence. We simply can’t afford our perspective to be pulled in every direction possible by someone else’s thoughts or perspective.

And I don't know about you, but the opposite is also true: I wouldn't want all of MY thoughts to be made other people's business arbitrarily!   

People pleasing is one of the ways we make other people's thoughts our business.  At its  core, people pleasing simply means “I let go of my center, needs, and  perspective in service of what I assume are your needs and perspective”. The motivations for people pleasing can range from hoping other people will like us or take care of us more if we please them, to misperceiving people pleasing as a form of true caretaking.   But regardless of the motivation, excessive people pleasing ultimately becomes an impossible task because frankly, there are simply too many people to please them all.  And most importantly, people pleasing pulls us off of focus because we are no longer paying attention to our own perspective, needs, and values. In this way, people pleasing disrupts intimacy as it prevents others from actually knowing us.

One of my intentions for 2024 is to not expend ANY energy on mind reading or adjusting to people’s unexpressed thoughts, concerns, or opinions.  That doesn’t mean I won’t consider other people’s expressed opinions, with the caveat that they come from someone who has earned my trust. But in order to take better emotional care of myself in 2024, I will remind myself daily that other people’s thoughts are truly none of my business.  

The Awkwardness of Authenticity

When we try something new in front of other people, we tend to worry about judgment or other negative consequences. And we tend to feel awkward because the experience between us is novel and unpracticed.  But the feeling of awkwardness doesn’t mean we actually are awkward (thankfully!).  But feeling awkward typically goes hand in hand with feeling vulnerable. 

We are often unaware that feeling awkward and taking emotional risks in front of other people eases them.  

Why? Because vulnerability cues other people that your communication is authentic and sincere.  It also cues other people that they too could be awkward, vulnerable, and authentic in safety.  That they too can try something new in front of others. 

No one can authentically connect with others without some vulnerability. If you have a hard time believing this, consider whether you have ever felt safely connected to someone who never displayed at least some vulnerability with you.

So even when it might feel initially awkward for you,  it might be time to reframe vulnerability and awkwardness as the necessary starter ingredients for authentic connection. 

Motherfectionism

Motherfectionism:  the cultural and intrapsychic insistence that mothers be perfect vessels of love and nurturance; responsible for, and in control of, all aspects of her child’s behavior and outcome.  

OK, so I made up my own word.  But it’s probably about time because it describes a process mothers often experience, and that I am witness to in my private practice and personal life. There are more examples of motherfectionism than I can count because women still bear the lion’s share of the emotional, logistic, and physical labor of parenting. And any form of perfectionism is first and foremost a coping strategy. 

Why am I framing the challenges of motherhood through this lens? Because I believe that our role as women’s mental health psychologists is to consciously not reinforce perfectionistic, unrealistic standards for mothers.  Indeed, there is a whole parenting advice industry that serves to replicate these standards, replete with two minute TikToks of confident, easy wins with our kids. I can’t tell you how many therapy sessions I have shared with mothers who feel confusion and shame in their parenting in the reflective glare of TikTok advice.

I believe our role as women’s mental health psychologists is to acknowledge the complexity of parenting,  and to shore up resilience within our female clientele for the emotional and pragmatic complexities - and labor - of motherhood. While we can offer parenting advice if needed, our job is to support you with all the flexibility and creativity that parenting requires.  Just like we do with every other important area in your life.

About Those New Beginnings

In the Northeast, we are pretty much programmed to anticipate new beginnings in September.  We may feel a surge of inspiration and energy that catapults us out of the last vestiges of summer.  

Changes in season often reflect in our mood, at least temporarily.  A key aspect of managing our moods is recognizing the transience of mood.  Everything - including our mood - changes. And while external factors, like a seasonal shift, might impact us briefly, we don’t always have to make a larger negative story out of it.  Sometimes our meta-story about our mood is the culprit in worsening it.   For example, a client might say “Every winter I get depressed”, and the result of that belief is that she feels anticipatory anxiety and dread as the winter approaches.  But a further examination of that statement reveals that most winters (not all) she feels a brief but significant drop in her mood that signals her to then anchor herself in her coping skills, and shift herself out of that low mood.   So a reframe of that statement could be “I typically feel a significant mood drop in late November. I am going to try to get ahead of that by being proactive and practicing my repertoire of coping skills to either prevent, or move more quickly out of a depressed mood if it arises.”  

Changes in mood are inevitable.  But our power lies in our willingness to directly influence the meaning we give to those changes.  If you would like support in doing just that, we’d love to help!

_________________________