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What Do YOU Think About It All?
One of my favorite holidays is New Year’s Day. It’s a contemplative, peaceful day for me, and I typically spend time reviewing the past year, and setting my intentions for the new year. This year I’ve been thinking a lot about the quote “Other people’s thoughts are not your business”, ascribed to everyone from the Buddha to Marcus Aurelius to Lisa Nichols, Regina Brett, and Steve Harvey to name just a few!
Regardless of the original source, there is wisdom in this concept. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, one of the reasons it holds up is because other people don’t have “all of the data” included in your life and decisions, so how can they accurately judge your situation at any given moment? And with the hundreds of people we encounter in the world each year, there are just too many people we encounter to give each of them that kind of influence. We simply can’t afford our perspective to be pulled in every direction possible by someone else’s thoughts or perspective.
And I don't know about you, but the opposite is also true: I wouldn't want all of MY thoughts to be made other people's business arbitrarily!
People pleasing is one of the ways we make other people's thoughts our business. At its core, people pleasing simply means “I let go of my center, needs, and perspective in service of what I assume are your needs and perspective”. The motivations for people pleasing can range from hoping other people will like us or take care of us more if we please them, to misperceiving people pleasing as a form of true caretaking. But regardless of the motivation, excessive people pleasing ultimately becomes an impossible task because frankly, there are simply too many people to please them all. And most importantly, people pleasing pulls us off of focus because we are no longer paying attention to our own perspective, needs, and values. In this way, people pleasing disrupts intimacy as it prevents others from actually knowing us.
One of my intentions for 2024 is to not expend ANY energy on mind reading or adjusting to people’s unexpressed thoughts, concerns, or opinions. That doesn’t mean I won’t consider other people’s expressed opinions, with the caveat that they come from someone who has earned my trust. But in order to take better emotional care of myself in 2024, I will remind myself daily that other people’s thoughts are truly none of my business.
The Awkwardness of Authenticity
When we try something new in front of other people, we tend to worry about judgment or other negative consequences. And we tend to feel awkward because the experience between us is novel and unpracticed. But the feeling of awkwardness doesn’t mean we actually are awkward (thankfully!). But feeling awkward typically goes hand in hand with feeling vulnerable.
We are often unaware that feeling awkward and taking emotional risks in front of other people eases them.
Why? Because vulnerability cues other people that your communication is authentic and sincere. It also cues other people that they too could be awkward, vulnerable, and authentic in safety. That they too can try something new in front of others.
No one can authentically connect with others without some vulnerability. If you have a hard time believing this, consider whether you have ever felt safely connected to someone who never displayed at least some vulnerability with you.
So even when it might feel initially awkward for you, it might be time to reframe vulnerability and awkwardness as the necessary starter ingredients for authentic connection.
Suffering Estrangement
Merriam-Webster defines estrangement as “a state of alienation from a previous close or familial relationship”. In my clinical experience, estrangement from a family member or friend is not particularly unusual but rarely gets the clinical attention it deserves. It has been cited that 5-17% of family members in the U.S. have been estranged from one another*, and that figure does not include other forms of close relationship. In my clinical work, and in my personal life, I have noticed a subtle tendency to negatively judge those that have experienced estrangement in any way.
This blog will offer suggestions on how to support a friend or family member who is estranged from someone with whom they used to be close:
Helpful Statements and Behaviors
Understand that it takes only one party to estrange, but two to maintain a relationship.
Assume estrangement is a personal experience - even if it has repercussions for a larger family or friend group - and use your judgment to determine if you should comment at all.
Validate that the decision to estrange oneself (to be the “estranger”), or the experience of being estranged must have been difficult and likely painful.
Acknowledge that estrangement can happen to the best of us.
Never assume you understand the depth of decision-making that went into estrangement, or that the one estranged fully understands or agrees with the decision.
Ask how you could be most supportive to your friend or family member on this issue.
Unhelpful Statements or Behaviors
Avoid dismissive statements challenging the estrangement like “Blood is thicker than water” , “How could you not speak to your mother? You only have one!” or “Don’t worry. This is just a phase, you’ve known eachother forever!”
These types of statements imply that the estranger has been impulsive or even inappropriate in their decision-making. Or that the one who has been estranged has full control over the relationship and should pursue it for some larger good. Psychology Today reports, “the causes of estrangement can include abuse, neglect, betrayal, bullying, unaddressed mental illness, not being supportive, destructive behavior, or substance abuse.”* And this does not even begin to include other potential sources of disconnect or conflict.
Avoid making character judgments about those in estranged relationships. Unless someone estranges themselves from the majority of people in her life, the estranged relationship is usually distinct.
The truth is, we rarely know all of the details, personality factors, or conflicts that have led to an estrangement, but we should assume that the decision to fully alienate a family member or friend has been considered in depth by at least one party.
If you have been on any side of estrangement and could use more support, we get it, and we’d love to help.
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/family-dynamics/family-estrangement#:~:text=On%20This%20Page&text=The%20causes%20of%20estrangement%20can,religion%2C%20and%20or%20political%20views.
Our Boys
My son, a freshman at a large university in the midwest, called me early this week to share the tragic news that a friend of his had died by suicide while on campus. I write this post still struggling with grief for my son’s friend, his family, my son, their community, and for the many young men struggling with their mental health in seeming isolation. My son was profoundly shocked by his friend’s suicide, and saw no warning signs, no signs of distress, no drug or alcohol use, or any form of self-harm by his friend. He is unable to wrap his mind fully around this, nor am I, even as a psychologist and therapist. What I often believe about suicide is that the suicidal person is in a profoundly altered state. But of course, I can’t really know that to be true.
While we all have heard the statistics on the mental health crisis facing young people, it is important to acknowledge that young men sadly are more apt to commit suicide than young women, perhaps partially because they typically use more aggressive means to do so. Per the CDC, men die by suicide nearly 4 times more than women. While the mental health of young men and women is deeply concerning, young women may be better at expressing their high risk ideation and seeking help as compared to young men.
I mourn the seeming mental isolation of my son’s friend, but also the many young men in the world who may not be able to find a way to share their suffering with others. I write this not to provide a psychoeducation on suicidality, but to encourage us all to reach out and connect more to the people that matter in our lives. To talk more, to open up all sorts of conversations - especially with our boys and young men. The conversations don’t have to be serious, psychological, or profound, I think it’s ok to start with the silly, the mundane, the playful.
But however it is that we connect, are we willing to connect some more?
Financial Shame
It is that time of year when high school students are starting to receive college acceptances. While it is a time of excitement and anticipation of new beginnings, it is also potentially a time of high stress for families. I am in this process myself with my son, and have found myself having a LOT of feelings about it all.
Here at CTWPS, we work with mothers experiencing stress around the college application and acceptance process often so I have had time to really think about what happens to mothers internally during this process and how we can help. The stressors around the college application and acceptance process are potentially numerous, but in this blog I’d like to focus on just two stressors that have been relevant to our clients, dividing them into an external and an internal stressor:
The external stressor of the cost of college in the U.S., and the financial reality that it can be unaffordable for many families without great sacrifice or debt on the part of parents or students. The average cost of attending a state university currently averages around $26,000/year and the sticker price for private universities has escalated to around $75,000/year on average. While many students may receive financial and merit aid that will lower those figures, it still may remain financially challenging for many. The exponential increase in attending college is well documented. For a comprehensive and exquisitely researched book on the finances of college historically and currently, I highly recommend the book The Price You Pay For College:An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make (2021) by Ron Lieber.
The internal stressor of shame that parents (and students) may feel about being unable to afford their ideal college. I refer to this as “financial shame”, and think of it as a form of social class shame.